The Beginning of an End

this was the letter i wrote when i broke up with my boyfriend. 

so here it is. bit modified. 

Baby.. 

honey comb..

Kutty..

Would want to call u by all those names,.. but to you, it might not sound as pleasant as it sounded before. Might sound filmy. But my heart doesn't care of what u think. n when it comes to Love, my heart dominates and my mind is totally shut down.

Rather than calling you and grumbling all the time and making u hate me more than ever, I thought I should jus outpour the upsurge of emotion which is brimming. I don’t know if it would help, but thought I’ld rather give it a shot. So here iam.

why do MY dreams alone, always remain to be a dream? am i not even worth dreaming something nice? or why is it so short lived..??? like a flash of a lightning ??

I’ve heard of “happily ever after” & “dream come true”, but do they really exist? If so, why am I denied of it?

I am sitting and thinking where I stand in the middle of No where. Little did I know that my love life would be so bleak at the hands of fate. Yeah, I could conveniently play the blame game on fate. Still fate played a spoilsport in my love life, if not why would I meet someone who I had a crush years back. Not even in my weirdest dreams I dreamt of meeting him again. Starting from all those friendly casual talks to wanna marry you and I need to prepare a wedding list to ‘its not working out’. Ah.. makes me say, I’ve seen it all.

From he being my crush then,  I happened to be his crush now even without me knowing it..n that’s how it all started. How much I and him used to plan for our wedding.. who all we would want to invite..who should be our best man.. where to go for honey moon… n now we talk about if we are still cool after break up.. my entire life is a paradox..

Was I not cautious about things? Didn’t I have my own rules?  Where were the reality checks I had?

Yeah..rite.. no matter however cautious I was, whatsoever rules I had.. it all went for a toss when I met him.

He completely bowled me over. It was like an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Day by day, he kept me bowling down.. untill that fateful day, when I blurted it out impulsively. Things cannot be undone. And he cannot love me like how he did. Now time is the only bail out. Things faded away. Started loosing all the colors my life had, a dullard I would call myself for thinking that he had snatched away all the clours. Black and white. Closed my eyes. I would still see him. Is there a way to get him out of my mind?

Yeah there are umpteen ways.. best would be is to just give it some time. What am I supposed to go thru till I wait for the rite time to come? Why would my love for him cause me so much of pain ? this time, let me play the blame game with love..

What is the most which I loved in him..? yes.. I must admit, his down to earth attitude and the love he has for his friends.

When I run down the memory lane, not a long one though, all I can see is how he seeped in and became a part of me. He filled up my senses.. He filled up my thoughts. He was far away, yet so near when I closed my eyes. When I knew he was the one, I jumped out of joy. Its so funny how I used to giggle in the midst of a meeting thinking of him. So many cherished moments in such a short span of time. If only I had the time, I would go on and show him wat I’ve got in store for him for the rest of my life. Jus showering and showering of love. I don’t know if I had done justice. But, I loved him with all my heart. I swear.

What am I gonna miss? Am I gonna miss anything at all?  not much..but… yeah a little bit maybe..

Will miss …

...the late nite calls which I look forward without which my day would not be complete..

…the kisses you gimme at the end of every call.. “Ashok..ashok.. ashok” jus asking me to hold n flodding with those kisses [ goose bumps ] ..

…When you call me with all those nick names…

…all those lovely msgs which brightens up my spirits

…those snippets about ur whereabouts

…those movie reviews

…those moans when sandy bites you…

…those ‘dream’ narrations scene by scene with the animations

…those screeches from the swing when u sit out n talk during the late nite talks

…those “ back then” speeches

…those petty fights over who should start learning to cook..

…all your movie suggestions

...lots more … n I never got bored…

How I wish I can go back in time and undo all those things I had done. Those words spoke in haste cannot be taken back, so is rest.

Why is that am not able to go on like anyone else? Why is this marring my mundane wellbeing? Maybe this is the way iam. When it comes to matters of my heart, I rather let my heart to decide things than to have my mind manipulate.

At times, when you have to hold on, u tend to let go …. It doesn’t mean that you are giving up .. sometimes it jus means you are strong enough to let go. Strong enough to let go someone who u’ve loved more than yourself.

Don’t know if me letting u go has any effect on u. but It sure does to me. An everlasting scar to keep reminding me for the rest of my life, the inability of being with someone who I loved the most.

Wish you get your dream guy and live your dream happily ever after ….

P.S. I Love You.